KING OF BEERS Western Bracket: Unforeseeable Upsets

Pregame Analysis: Who's Ready for Regicide?

The Western Conference is packing some heavy hitters, including Budweiser. The reigning King is, of course, heavily favored, but experts are not ruling out several of the others. Modelo Especial is one in a stable of Mexican contenders in this competition. Though they enter the tournament as a 2 seed, analysts believe they have the easiest route to the Finals in the West. In the first round, they face Dixie, a scrappy but unproven team from the Gulf Coast. Assuming they can clear that hurdle, Modelo would face either Pilsner Urquell, whose program has suffered from its sharp, distinct flavor in the past few years, or the almost unknown Molson Golden. If pitted against Budweiser in the Elite Eight, insiders give the advantage to Modelo, whose perfect mix of mild exoticism, familiarity, and perceived authenticity might give the underdog the edge it needs to dethrone a King.

That said, my Final Four pick from the West is Peroni. The Italians pulled a 5 seed, and will be evenly matched in the opening round when they take on the Japanese Saporro. Though both the Italians and Japanese have built dynasties on crisp finishes (and, coincidentally, fascism), Peroni's boldness will make it a dark horse in the opening match, and in the tournament as a whole.

OK. Enough with this nonsense. Let's get to the games!

Results

A panel of five judges determined the outcomes of these matches. Votes/scores are listed in (parentheses).
Post-game Recap: Unforeseeable Upsets

Unforeseeable Upset #1: Dixie vs. Modelo Especial (Round of 32)--This match sent shockwaves through the tournament. Even the judges did not expect the decisiveness of victory from this little beer out of New Orleans, LA. Modelo may have suffered (in the eyes of wimps) from lack of lime, but ultimately Dixie's creamy texture led them to a 4-1 victory.

Unforeseeable Upset #2: Sapporo vs. Budweiser (Sweet 16)--I did not expect Sapporo to advance past the first round by knocking out my dark horse favorite, so of course one of the most shocking moments of the night came during the dethroning of Bud. Though it came down to the wire, Sapporo's bite eeked out the victory in this match. The boring but trusty Everyman that is Budweiser just could not stand up to the flashy Japanese import.

Unforeseeable Upset #3: MOLSON!?!?!?!?!?--Yes, from the first round, everyone expected Molson to be eliminated, but the Canadian beer most likely to be the inspiration for Strange Brew would not give up. Molson took out the strong- (overly?) flavored Pilsner Urquell to move to defeat the smooth-drinking Dixie. When it came down to Molson vs. Saporro, it was clear who the winner was going to be. Molson takes the bracket and moves on the the Final Four. Though it was not evident at the start of the round, this tournament definitely favors the easy-drinking beer. With so many beers to drink, inebriation and desire for water (or, at least, beer that tastes like water) definitely take their toll on the judges. Beers with flavor, you have been warned.

Unforeseeable Upset #4: Stomachs--I just need to mention that I had no idea how full and sick I would feel during and after the round. Next time, no pre-beers, in-between beers, post-beers, or Chicago-style pizza.

COMING UP...We travel to the Eastern Bracket, where experts say the weakest top seeds (Heineken, Beck's) will battle it out with 6 others!!!!!! NEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXT.

KING OF BEERS

In college, my primary sources of alcohol were half-warm kegs of Busch Light kept in the boarded-up side porches of houses that up 14 males lived in. Since these formative years of alcohol consumption, my taste in beer has improved, but not evolved. Without question, I will always take something watery and pale over something flavorful and dark. However, the light-and-wateries I seek out these days are more often from Germany or Japan than from St. Louis or Milwaukee.

In the late 1800s, Adolphus Busch attempted to replicate a 300-year-old Bohemian beer. Once complete, he named his creation after the original: Budweiser. In stealing this name, Busch also stole a legacy, and since then his watery domestic is known around the world as "The King of Beers." As it turns out, every country has a Budweiser. Mass-produced, mass-consumed, light on flavor, heavy on drinkability, these beers are imported to the States and sold as high-priced luxury items. With so many Budweisers to choose from in this world, is the title Aldolpus Busch bestowed upon his beer really accurate? This tournament will finally answer that question.

The Methodology:

1. 33 Budweisers of the World were selected. To be eligible for this tournament, a beer had to be macrobrewed, readily available in the Sacramento area, and light. All but two of the beers are either lagers or pilsners. The two that are not are from England. Thanks England.

2. The cost of large quantities of alcohol and my desire to not die put limitations on how quickly this tournament can be completed. Brackets of 8 will be played in their entirety to determine which beer will move on to the Final Four. Then the Final Four and Championship Game will be played on the same night.

3. The procedure for determining the winner will be as follows:

*Gather an odd number of people to act as judges. Purchase at least 3 bottles each of the competing beers.

*For each round, elect a facilitator. Using the bracket, the judges will determine which game to play (i.e. which beers to drink). The facilitator will pour the two competing beers into random glasses, so that the remaining judges do not know which beer they are drinking.

*Judges will listen to the CBS March Madness Song.

*All judges will then blindly taste, compare, and discuss the competitors.

*Once the judges are ready, the facilitator will call for a vote. The winning beer will move on to the next round.

*The beer that is not eliminated is crowned "KING OF BEERS."

OK let's get to the bracket:



The KING OF BEERS TOURNAMENT...NEEEEEEEXT.

March Madnesses: A Brief Mission Statement

March Madnesses uses NCAA Basketball's bracket-style tournament to settle trivial arguments. By applying seemingly scientific logic and methodology to pointless questions posed by no one, this blog will pit all possible answers to a given question in direct competition with each other until only the true champion remains.

The following norms of the NCAA Basketball Tournament will be used as guidelines, and will be adhered to as closely as possible:

1. Contestants in tournaments will be seeded. Top seeds will typically be historically dominant favorites in their given fields, lower seeds will have only a cursory or novelty appeal. The so-called "bubble teams" may be controversial. Someone will always be left out. Someone will always be let in on unscrupulous terms.

2. Methodology for each tournament will vary based on the question. However, the writer of this blog will never be the sole judge.

3. The writer of this blog will listen to CBS's March Madness Song prior to each tournament.

4. As with any sporting event, which are all as equally pointless and self-indulgent as this blog, all aspects of each tournament will be over-analyzed, contemplated, and discussed.


Well lets get on with it. Stay tuned for the first tournament: THE KING OF BEERS